Yes, it has been quite a while since my last post. I am not very good at this blogging thing, am I? In my defense, it has been a busy few weeks! But that's for another time. Today, I would like to talk about something else...
Five years ago (tomorrow, to be exact), my step-son's biological mother passed away. Her name was Jennifer and she was 29. I never knew her, but that doesn't stop me from thinking about her a lot. I know that she was extremely organized and meticulous (she had an immaculate filing system for household bills that blew my mind). She loved baking (and I thank her for the many cookbooks and cake decorating items that I inherited and sadly attempt to use). She never forgot a birthday or anniversary and loved to give people greeting cards. She loved her family and talked to them every day. Most of all, she loved being a mom.
When I first met Mike, I felt threatened by this "other woman". We all tend to glorify people who have died and often only remember the good things about them. I felt like I was competing against a perfect woman, mother, friend, wife and I would never live up to her. I also went through a grieving process...for Mike, that he had experienced such a significant loss, for Gabriel, that he would never know his mom, and for Jenn's family and friends.
It took a long time, but I have accepted that I am a good mother and am doing the best I can to raise Jennifer's son. I am not her, and may not do things the same way that she would have, but I love Gabriel with all my heart and work hard to make sure he has a happy life. However, there are still times when I wish that I could have known her. I wish that I could tell Gabriel stories about his mom. I wish I could talk to her and tell her how amazing her son is, and thank her for bringing him into the world. I wish I could spend a Saturday taking cake-decorating lessons from her.
Sometimes Gabriel says, "I wish I could talk to Mommy Jennifer". I always tell him that he can, anytime he wants. She is always watching over him and listening to him. Once I say that, he usually waves at the ceiling, smiles, and shouts, "I love you mommy Jennifer!" and goes back to playing. I then tell him, "I heard her buddy, she said hi back and she loves you too." Though I didn't know her, I am pretty sure she would be OK with me translating.
